A Good Virgin
By GoodGirl ~
I’m an Ex-Christian woman who was a virgin for 35 years. And to some extent, I still am.
I kept myself clean for “God” for 25 years. I believed that nothing was more important than being close to Him. When I fell in love with a boy I prayed to “God” that this love would not put the relationship I had with Him in the shadow. And no boy ever returned any feelings I might have had. Why should they? I was an uptight nerd who didn’t know how to behave around boys. When I felt lust I prayed that I would not sin. It always felt more important and appropriate to keep my focus on “God” and on the spiritual realm over the physical one. Though I longed for something more, deep inside.
I then broke up with “God”.
The last years I have tried to break free from the emotional and mental restraints I had built up when it came to sex and intimacy. I started to get to know my body. Learning how to take care of it and make myself more attractive. Reading informative books that I wish I had read as a teenager. Devouring erotic fiction. Watching porn. Watching “real-life” lovemaking. Reading about relationships.
I tried to date but I struggled with a big problem: I feared to be intimate, physically and emotionally. I didn’t know how to go from friends to lovers or from dating to serious relationships and it somehow seemed impossible to me. I met a good man who I believe had feelings for me too but I acted childishly and ruined a possible relationship due to this fear of intimacy. I also didn’t know who I wanted to be after leaving my Christian faith and what my relationship preferences should be. So who should I try to get close to anyway?
Isn’t it time I had some happiness?I despaired. I tried not to despair.
I then met an ex-Christian friend of mine whom I first got to know when both of us were Christians. He had been sexually active for some years, after dealing with the same shame and emotional restraints as me the first part of his life. He told me about this and I got an idea. “I want to have sex with you”, I said. And he agreed. I never knew if he really wanted to have sex with me or if he just felt obliged to, to keep his masculine pride or to be kind to this desperate woman who had never had this human experience.
We did have sex. And it was about as good as I imagined it would be. Just without the deeper emotions of love and trust. And this, of course, turned out to be what I missed most. Having sex was fine, but I actually needed to make love. And this friend was not a person I could find this love with. So I had “done it” in one way, but not in the way that really mattered to me.
I’m 36. In just a few years I will be going into menopause. Will I then still be this emotional cripple I feel I am today? I have tried to keep bitterness and anger at bay but these feelings have started to pour into my life. I cry for the girl I never got to be and the woman I just keep a tiny hope alive for.
Wasn’t I a good virgin to you, “God”?
Are you content now?
Isn’t it time I had some happiness?
I kept myself clean for “God” for 25 years. I believed that nothing was more important than being close to Him. When I fell in love with a boy I prayed to “God” that this love would not put the relationship I had with Him in the shadow. And no boy ever returned any feelings I might have had. Why should they? I was an uptight nerd who didn’t know how to behave around boys. When I felt lust I prayed that I would not sin. It always felt more important and appropriate to keep my focus on “God” and on the spiritual realm over the physical one. Though I longed for something more, deep inside.
I then broke up with “God”.
The last years I have tried to break free from the emotional and mental restraints I had built up when it came to sex and intimacy. I started to get to know my body. Learning how to take care of it and make myself more attractive. Reading informative books that I wish I had read as a teenager. Devouring erotic fiction. Watching porn. Watching “real-life” lovemaking. Reading about relationships.
I tried to date but I struggled with a big problem: I feared to be intimate, physically and emotionally. I didn’t know how to go from friends to lovers or from dating to serious relationships and it somehow seemed impossible to me. I met a good man who I believe had feelings for me too but I acted childishly and ruined a possible relationship due to this fear of intimacy. I also didn’t know who I wanted to be after leaving my Christian faith and what my relationship preferences should be. So who should I try to get close to anyway?
Isn’t it time I had some happiness?I despaired. I tried not to despair.
I then met an ex-Christian friend of mine whom I first got to know when both of us were Christians. He had been sexually active for some years, after dealing with the same shame and emotional restraints as me the first part of his life. He told me about this and I got an idea. “I want to have sex with you”, I said. And he agreed. I never knew if he really wanted to have sex with me or if he just felt obliged to, to keep his masculine pride or to be kind to this desperate woman who had never had this human experience.
We did have sex. And it was about as good as I imagined it would be. Just without the deeper emotions of love and trust. And this, of course, turned out to be what I missed most. Having sex was fine, but I actually needed to make love. And this friend was not a person I could find this love with. So I had “done it” in one way, but not in the way that really mattered to me.
I’m 36. In just a few years I will be going into menopause. Will I then still be this emotional cripple I feel I am today? I have tried to keep bitterness and anger at bay but these feelings have started to pour into my life. I cry for the girl I never got to be and the woman I just keep a tiny hope alive for.
Wasn’t I a good virgin to you, “God”?
Are you content now?
Isn’t it time I had some happiness?
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