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Losing Faith Through Time

By Lydia ~

I was born and raised catholic, baptized as a baby and put in a catholic primary school and high school. We were a pretty serious family with crosses and pictures of Jesus and Mary scatted through the house. I also had a great aunt who was a nun and a great uncle who was a monk so our family was in pretty serious. I know people expect me to say how backwards they all were and all the outrageous beliefs they had but it wasn't like that. We were raised believing in evolution and we learnt pretty liberal ideas on justice as kids I was really lucky to have been introduced to those ideas a such a young age as it did help me to de-convert later on. It was outside of my family where it all went wrong.

When I was 13 I left my mother and lived with my dad and I was introduced to a bad side of Christianity. I spoke out about the sins of gay people and stood outside abortion clinics praying with others. My biggest goal in life back then was to be a house wife and have 3 kids as I was told it was my duty as a christian woman. It was like this till I was 16 that's when it kinda fell apart.

I ran away from home due to my abusive father and moved into a homeless shelter then after a few months I began to realize how cloistered I was and how little I really knew of the world. I talked to people about their lives and as time went on I felt my faith slip away. After a month away from home I moved into a church run girls shelter and was introduced to the evangelical church.

When I first got there nearly all the girls were converted Christians which at the time was kind of unsettling. Every week we had to go to church and youth group this was involuntary so you could be Jewish and you'd still have to go to church. I came to realize that the shelter didn't care about helping girls but converting them. I remember someone who got converted she originally only ever dated girls and would talk about her ex who she had to leave after moving away. She said how bad she felt about her previous relationships and how she wanted to find a boyfriend to make up for it. I can safely say that after this I began to support LGBT rights.

I left after 3 months of living there but still moved from shelter to shelter afterwards. When I left that place it didn't completely destroy my faith but it left a mark.

I kept on thinking about what I was taught and I could never understand why God made me go through such pain when I never did anything wrong. I remember praying but none of them ever came true. I talked to this one woman who boasted how she got a new car through prayer, I couldn't understand I was still living in shelters looking for a minimum wage job and a safe place to live but this one wealthy lady gets a new car.

Two years after running away from home and I was no longer a believer I was now an atheist. I suppose alot of devout people would feel bad that I lost my faith but if anything I've never been happier. I now understand that I can pave my own road and that there's no cosmic destiny it's just what you make of it. Years ago I dreamed of being a stay at home wife with a husband who I could care for but now I dream of working in the government and to never have kids (pretty big leap) I no longer feel guilt for bad thoughts or little things I do that are considered "sinful" I am only human and will make mistakes and with that lesson I've never felt better.


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