5/01/2015 | Share this article: View CommentsBy Anne R Keye ~
Hello dear Atheists and Agnostics. I am not here to proselytise but to introduce you to the new christian denomination called the "8th day Ventriloquists"
What is an 8th day Ventriloquist?
An 8th day ventriloquist believes that somehow jesus is gods son who isn't god but who is him by not being him. We acknowledge this by inserting our arm into the rectum of a dummy and sliding it onto our left hand. We then talk to our personal dummy jesus who is our best friend and advisor by controlling the mouthpiece. For example, "Hello jesus, what day is it?" and The dummy jesus replies "Well, it is tuesday" and the 8th day believer replies to the dummy jesus "Wow, how could you know that, you are so wise dummy jesus", and the dummy jesus replies "Because it is you doing the talking and not me because I am a dummy on your arm".
The Ambitious 8th day Ventriloquist
For this you will need to purchase the dummy of his dad called god [$5 at amazon now, get cheap deals, early bird! ]. The 8th day member will again need to insert his arm up the rectum of the dummy but this time on the right arm. The 8th day ventriloquist will now become the trinity because he now has the dummy jesus on the left and the dummy god on the right with himself in the centre as the holey ghost. [ He will also need to apply white face make up and a white sheet for realistic effect].
Controlling the dummy, god the dummy, jesus, and embodying the holely spirit.
For this one needs to be very experienced because it can all get out of hand very quickly. The main problem being that the holey spirit will find holes all over the place especially in the bible. To counter this he must speak to the dummy god in holey tones whilst at the same time controlling the pesky dummy son jesus. For example. "Hello is god there?", "Yes it is me speaking through your hand up my rectum". The 8th day believer replies, "It was so good of you to let your son die for everyone", But, all of a sudden the dummy jesus replies, "No it wan't dad it was bloody painful!" The dummy god interjects "Oh no son it was for your own good and that of everyone else",The dummy jesus suddenly goes mental,"Oi dad you get up there on that cross and have a spear stuck in your side!" Now as you can see it is all getting very heated and out of control. At this point the 8th day ventriloquist must take charge as it is turning into a three dimensional madhouse. The 8th day ventriloquist then senses trouble and takes the appropriate action "Okay dummy god and dummy jesus you must both go back into the draw now and you can come out again tomorrow".
We are a peaceful religion and as such we have been commanded by the dummy jesus and the dummy god to re-new the lords prayer to bring about world peace. It is as follows and you may wish to recite it with your family before dinner or at a social gathering or at your local church. It goes as follows,
Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today,
I wish, I wish he'd go away...
When I came home last night at three,
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall,
I couldn't see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don't you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don't slam the door...
Last night I saw upon the stair,
A little man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today
Oh, how I wish he'd go away...
So forget the 7th day adventists, the 6th day mormons and the 5 a day catholics and join the the 8th day Ventriloquists. You know it makes sense!
Membership is free although we are accepting donations and tithes of 1 million dollars onwards!