So, it's been a while since I last posted anything. I've decided not to come out to parents yet, but I think I'm going to wait. This isn't me being scared or anything, it's more of a respect thing. I figure that I'm still living under their roof, and if they want me to go to church once a week with them, it's not that big of a deal. I would do this if I was living with people from other religions as well. Now, if I'm fortunate enough to find a girl and get married, I'll start telling them more about what I actually believe in. I think it's pretty stupid having to get marriage advice from people who've never been married, or have had sex before.
So, this is the update. As I've been going through my journey, I've been experience more freedom than ever before. However, I've been experiencing more anger than ever before. Maybe this isn't such a contradiction. Once I realized the freedom I missed out on, I begin to realize how much fun life could have been if I didn't believe in Bronze Age ideals. Some of you may have experienced this, and I'd like to hear if you have.
I realized before how messed up my view on the world was. I also believe that some of the teachings of Christianity have seriously screwed me over. When I commit to something, I have a habit of going all out. This ended up where I was extremely devoted to the Catholic faith. Some parts of Christianity are really bad, but Catholicism can be worse in a lot of ways. It's still makes me laugh how Christians always point to other religions, but never their own. I've touched on some of this before, but I'd like to go through some of the things I've discovered.
If you didn't know, I have OCD and anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I do believe there were other factors involved, but I think religion played a huge part. I also get that many aren't as easily swayed by the teachings either, but I was. There's a prayer that goes, “In my thoughts, and in my words, what I have done, and what I have failed to do.” I mean, how am I supposed to control my thoughts to that extent? I think this may have been a trigger to starting most of my racing thoughts. When you're told that you're going to Hell for every little thing, it's hard not to take it seriously. So, I believe that when I tried to control my thoughts to stop from sinning, it started a vicious cycle. Not sure if I'm the only one who this has happened to, I just wanted to get your opinion.
I'm a lot better now, but I'm still trying to forgive and forget.Many people have anxiety. Some of it's caused naturally, other times it's caused by stress in life. I think a lot of the teachings of Christianity can lead to anxiety. Think of how many times Hell is used in the most gruesome ways imaginable? Many children are brought up into Christianity as soon as they can speak, and a lot even before then. These messages keep drilling deeper into our mind, without us even realizing it.
Then we have the issues of demons, and demonic possession. Telling people that demons are everywhere and that Earth is a spiritual battle ground. The very thought that you can be possessed is terrifying.
Not only is Hell a terrible thing to teach children about, but so is the rapture. The rapture teaches that Jesus will come, and basically nuke the planet. When you're told that you're not good enough to be in Heaven, and that Jesus will only take a few people with Him, it's a very scary thought. You'd think if there was a God, that he'd want most of His children to be with Him.
So, I believe that Christianity is a huge reason why I also have anxiety. Demons, Hell, and the Rapture, are very terrifying events, and one that no person should be forced to believe is real. I believe the reason I have OCD is that I had to perfect, and that meant controlling my thoughts as well.
Fear of the dark:
This may sound weird, especially for someone at my age, but no matter how hard I try to fight it, I can't shake it. I'm wondering if Christianity had an influence with it. I think a problem I had was that usually demons are associated with darkness. When you're told that demons and the Devil lurk in the dark, it's very scary.
I won't go into this too much, since I already did in another post, but this another issue that I've had. Growing up in purity culture really sucks. Being forced to believe that even thinking about lust is the same as committing adultery really did a number on me. Now, my sex drive has basically exploded. I can control it, but it went from being completely suppressed, to watching a lot of porn. I know that I need to find a middle ground, but it sucks that I've had to go through this in the first place. The porn isn't that bad, and I don't believe it's wrong, but I like to follow the philosophy of “everything in moderation”.
I still get mad because I've never dated before because of this reason. In high school, I had a negative view of myself. Probably due to the fact that Catholicism looks down on being human. I think I led some women on in college, but I didn't follow through because I was terrible with women. I feel bad if I did, but how was I supposed to know any better?
I'm a lot better now, but I'm still trying to forgive and forget.
Well, sorry to vent, but I had to get this out somehow. Who knows? Maybe someone else has gone through similar things as I have. It's always good to let people know that they're not alone. If anyone has any tips, I'd be happy to hear them.
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