I still feel a terrible grief within when I reflect back at how many times I have been manipulated in the name of God. I am fifty years of age now, and my life has been ruined through so-called do-gooders, who in the name of their so-called "God" robbing me of my potential to have a good career, the right partner, and the freedom and opportunity of becoming a successful singer in my twenties.
My first encounter with a Christian who screwed with my head was a girl at university. I was going out with a guy who was a Christian like myself at the time, and she had a supposed "Word from God" that it was not his will for me to go out with Phil, and that I should finish with him if I was to be obedient to God. She spent five hours talking about her gift of prophecy and the Book of Daniel in the Old Testament part of the Bible. I was heartbroken but felt compelled to finish with him. Likewise he was heartbroken when I did.
The next occasion was when I had been accepted to train to become a psychiatric nurse. A minister told me that he had heard from God after feeling alarm bells in his spirit and told me that God had informed him that I would be in danger if I went ahead. The fear that this instilled in me and my naive belief that he must be right caused me to abandon the training, though I was in constant mental torment that weekend trying to hear from God for myself, but the fear won over. I have never had a career and look back with deep regret at what a wonderful career it could have turned out to be.
This next one is the biggest whopper. The same minister about three years later after I had joined his fellowship prophesied that I should marry his brother. I had started going out with Alan, but the infatuation I felt for him quickly diminished after a few days of courting him. Words from God were followed. I married, got divorced, was guilt ridden, and was told I could not remarry. This caused me thirteen years of turmoil and stopped me doing anything constructive with my life. I met someone else and fell in love, but didn't believe that I could have sex or even marry him. Remarriage was forbidden even though my first marriage was a deception. Eventually after six years with Steve, and a few encouraging words, I came to the conclusion that under the circumstances that God would give me a second chance. On the morning of my wedding, my best friend turned up at my door telling me that I can't marry Steve as I was married to Alan previously and that the Bible says that I would be committing adultery and I would go to hell. All my previous fears returned and I was filled with anxiety. I still married Steve as I wouldn't let him down. We went on our honeymoon to the Algarve and my anxiety over the next two weeks increased. I drank away the pain and fear, but it came back the next day. I thought I was going to hell. It took a few years to come through this.
My first encounter with a Christian who screwed with my head was a girl at university. I was going out with a guy who was a Christian...I now look back and feel very robbed and hurt by Christians who took it upon themselves supposedly through "God's instruction" to do or not do the opposite to what I was feeling within. I would have had a great career with financial security now at the age of fifty. I would not have dreamed of marrying someone when I had such strong doubts that was causing me severe anxiety, only to be told that it was the devil attacking me and that I should stand in faith. How stupid was I.
I feel anger when I look at a Christian with their smug smiles and condescending looks. Not one non-christian has caused me any confusion and told me what to do.
I also doubted my faith when fellow Christians were telling me that they didn't think I was genuine and the same minister who deceived me said that he had a vision of me digging my spiritual grave.
I now have an open mind about religion and think a lot of it spoken of through the mouths of arrogant men are just talking through their pompous asses!
I hope that I can make amends to sort out my life and regain what the so called godly messages has taken away from me.
By the way, never believe someone who is attempting to manipulate you.
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