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Married to Christ

By undercover agnostic ~

In Christianity, God is our father and Jesus is our older brother, right? But when we die, we are united in marriage to Christ. He is the groom, and everyone in his harem, including men, women and children, become his “bride.”

Perhaps the incestuous relationship is okay, since we are, after all, adopted children and not biological offspring. But, then, how do we explain that Christ’s love affair includes boys, men and even infants? It almost sounds like God is presenting a double standard, by sanctioning marriage only between one man and one woman, while his son’s relationship is a polygamous cacophony of hetero, homo, and bi-sexuality not to mention pedophilia!

The Bible also speaks of the groom, not as a man, but rather an animal—a baby sheep to be exact. Are we to infer that God is promoting bestiality to boot? One can only wonder.

So how does one enter into eternal holy matrimony with the Son of God? According to the doctrine of election, Jesus randomly picks the ones he wants and makes his advances so irresistible, that the chosen ones have no option but to accept his generous proposal. They are then, promised an eternity of bliss, but are first subjected to pain and suffering to prove that they are worthy of Christ’s hand in marriage. In other words-- Christ’s bride (the church) gets to enjoy unfathomable ecstasy—but only after enduring some good old fashion S&M. (So many surprises! I didn’t know Jesus had it in him—that little devil!)

What about the rest of mankind? What happens to the ones Jesus rejects? Well he blames them for not accepting his invitation even though, he had no intention of including them in the first place, and tortures them forever so that his chosen ones can always be reminded how lucky they were to have been elected.

When Christian fundamentalists stand on their soap boxes, insisting that marriage can only be between one man and one woman because it is a “picture” of Christ and his bride (the church), I would like to point out, that marriage to Jesus involves, incest, polygamy, homosexuality, bi-sexuality, bestiality, pedophilia, sadomasochism and extortion.

Have I missed anything?

I rest my case!


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