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Eyes Open with a Heart Full of Questions

By ebgrammar ~

Throughout my transformation away from Christianity, more and more questions pop into my head. In rather unusual, expeditious fashion I am able to sort them out and move on in a way I was never able to experience as a Christian. I would dwell on everything for which I had no answer. Now, I find myself more excited NOT to have all of the answers than I ever have been. However, I cannot think of a better place to share my thoughts and ask my burning q's.

My transformation was gradual for about two years until the final day when it smacked me in the face. I rejected that homosexuality is a sin for years, and it pushed my mother to such a limit that she informed me through tears and sobs that her heart was broken and I was going to hell. That's right, she was devastated because the consequence of not condemning my gay friends is that I too shall burn. Eek. How could something good, like 'faith', cause a mother to turn her back on her firstborn child?!

When my mother blubbers about my eternal soul, I wonder to myself if she is going to have any recollection of this life once it is over or will she simply cease to exist? I wonder if she will be disappointed to find that all of her challenges weren't set in front of her to gain her higher favor in an eternity of tranquility. Her challenges are hers, based solely on her actions and reactions to external neutral circumstances. To me, eternity without risk and reward sounds very boring, but that is the end game she seeks. It sounds scarier to be a Christian and die to find out that it was a hoax, than to accept that this life, the one we are living right now, is the ultimate gift and there might not be anything after it.

How does one diplomatically share their feelings with someone who rejects logic and chooses "faith" instead?

Before I took my first step into the world of ex-Christianity, I asked a friend of mine if she subscribed to any religion. Her respectful answer was "I was baptized a Catholic when I was a child." That was her way of saying "we're not that different, you and I, but if I tell you everything, I run the risk that you won't want to be my friend anymore." Of course, this was before my heart change. I have since let her know that I had renounced my faith regardless of the consequences because I simply did not believe in any of it anymore. So...her initial reaction seemed like her way of smoothing over a possibly uncomfortable chat by first addressing our likeness. But was it purely out of respect? Had she gotten a bad reaction before, and that is why she relates to the religious masses before setting herself apart?

You know what I love most about my new found freedom to explore the depths of my heart? I have hope. Not hope in something that religious leaders have taught me, but I get to hope for what happens next. Without boundary, I can explore my heart for my own hope and it feels amazing.

I hope that I will have recollection of the love I have experienced on this Earth. I hope I get to come back. I hope it doesn't end here. I hope I don't go to any place like heaven. I hope I get to love for eternity in some form or fashion, but I embrace that I won't be in the same vessel forever. I hope there is a future after death and that my love will continue to nurture the universe and that the ripples will last for eons.

Wouldn't it be cool if after a few hundred or thousand year tour of being born, dying and being reborn that we become a blue light of love and source of energy? I'd love to look into an enlightened counterpart and see the love of lives previous. To see my sweet Travis, and the other loves I have been able to experience, reflected in the soul of another being sounds like 'heaven' to me. I haven't researched reincarnation enough to know what I'm talking about, but that is why it is exciting that I can explore my inner hope. Well, they are big hopes, but I am able to have them now. I don't have to worry about any of you looking down your nose at my ideals.

How does one diplomatically share their feelings with someone who rejects logic and chooses "faith" instead?How do you answer questions about your belief, or rejection of the religious community? I'm sure we all love and respect religious folks in our lives. How do we avoid alienation?

I don't see how de-conversion is my mission like conversion once was. The topic really frightens people, and though I'd like for them to feel what I feel, I am not out to change any heart unless it is to share love, compassion and acceptance. The Christian church teaches its followers to surround themselves with other Christians. I don't feel like I have to cut out my Christian friends in order to feel fulfilled, so how do I keep them without sending them into a tailspin of prayer and petition over my decision? How do I present my heart-change without scaring those that I love who are still stymied by their fear of Hell?

Is it common that once your heart awakens, that more and more Atheists walk into your life? Why did I always think Atheists were haters? Am I even an Atheist? I'm not a Christian, but what am I? Is that even important? I don't feel like finding the title is that important to me, but finding the understanding within my heart and through community will be my walk for the rest of this life.

I wish my day had an additional 8 hours so I could just explore this site, your thoughts, and ideals...but each minute is an opportunity for introspect and I must take what I can get.


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