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Two Worlds

By Alex ~

I have never believed in God. I never thought that there was a higher power watching over us, or guiding us. That's fine, many people would respect something like that. My problem is, everyone thinks I believe.

Thinking
Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)
It started when a friend of mine asked me to go to church with her. Normally I'd say, no thanks, or maybe go once and tell them it wasn't for me. But earlier that week, she told me that she liked me. I said that I didn't feel the same way and I felt sorry for her. So I went to her church a couple of times, and I thought it was kind of fun besides all the worship.

I planned on telling her that I wasn't Christian, and that I don't believe in God, but she looked so hopeful when I went to church that night, that I thought that maybe if I just kept going I might be able to believe, or at least begin to. I realize now that it was the complete wrong reason to keep going.

I felt sorry for her because she was trying so hard to keep a hold of me that I started to slip. The more time I spend with her, the more desperate she seems to get, and the more I don't want to be around her.

One day I made the mistake of telling her I accepted Christ as my savior. That's when I realized that I have dug myself a hole deeper than I can get out of. But it made her so happy that I thought if I just kept trying I could eventually believe, or at least pretend to. It's been four months since I joined her church, and I haven't felt a thing.

It gets worse. There is a girl.

My friend wasn't the only one interested in me. Not too long after my friend had showed her interest in me, another girl who I find to be a wonderful person showed an interest as well. I politely turned her down when she asked me to go on a date with her, because I knew she was an Atheist, and I didn't want to disappoint my Christian friend.

Eventually word got out about me and her, and all of my friends were super excited, and said I should go out with her. All of my friends except my Christian friend. She said that she thought that she was a bad influence, and that she would turn me away from Christ. She said that it was in my best interest to stay away from her.

Over the past few months, I think she has grown jealous and bitter. She doesn't listen to what I have to say, and she constantly undermines me like every decision I make is the wrong one. We even made a deal not to date anyone because she thought I wasn't thinking straight. And the only reason I listen to her is that I feel sorry for her.

She tries to get close to me thinking that maybe there is a chance that we could be together. But what she doesn't realize is that I want to be with this other girl so much that I am willing to give it all up. I would end all the lies, and the fake smiles, just to be with her. I've never felt this way towards anyone, but the only thing keeping me from her is the pity I have for my friend.

This is the choice I have to make. I can either stop pretending, face up to my friend, and possibly lose her forever. Or I could keep living this life of lies, and lose the girl I've dreamed of.

I love my friend like a sister, and I would never do anything to hurt her, but I'm tired of living this fake life. I can't deal with the lying and the false personalities. I'm not a Christian. I love that girl. Nothing will change that.

This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life. I don't know what to do anymore.


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