1/19/2013 | Share this article: View CommentsBy Cement ~
I can never really pin-point my frustrations exactly with religion.
For one, I am 19.
My other-half had recently acquired Christianity...(Nearly a year and a half ago)
My inner frustrations have, for the most part, run rampant inside my heating head.
I'm in constant reminder that she truly believes Christianity has changed her life.
I was there when she was baptized.
I attended some sermons with her.
Hell, I even bought her a nice little leather-bound bible.
But the back of my heart screamed to dig her out of the hole she was digging herself into with wet cement.
Everything I saw around her was plastered with a reminder of her new belief.
The silly little Bible Versus that she displayed on the background of her Iphone.
The little ornamented sticky notes she placed all around her workplace and desk at home to remind her of God's Love and Grace.
Even those books that justify and strengthen faith that I see sitting at her bedside.
Part of me says not to care. Part of me says to just let it go and that it isn't a big deal.
But. It. Just...Is!
Do not get me wrong. I love her. I lover her with all my heart. We've been dating for four years. Its been the most amazing four years of my life spending it next to her.
But she changed. Fell into 'Gods' arms.
Seldom do I ever show my true feelings about it. Even more rare to mention my concern.
One day, I fell into a deep train of thought. Deeper than most.
This train was blazing like a damned bullet. And I couldn't hold it in anymore. I let my concern show on my mood and expression at work and dinner the next day (She and I work together). She asked me (through Text), after I had gone to my home if I was okay.
And I replied 'No. Quite frankly, I am not.'
'Why?' She asked. 'What's on your mind?'
'Religion' I reply simply. After thinking it over, I thought it'd be best if I elaborate further. (Of course, over text, you must explain your intent as to not have your partner take it the wrong way.)
'Don't be mad, Hun. But I wasn't going to say 'nothing' because that'd be lying. I'm tired of feeling this...anxiety about it. It sounds stupid. I know. But it's how I feel. And do not tell anyone this. I trust you and only you with that Information.'
There was a sizable pause in her reply, of course.
'Why do you feel anxious....' She replied.
That one question was no easy task to answer.
The thoughts in my head were a myriad of explanations and reasons why.
I started to type and hoped my mind could formulate a good enough synopsis.
'Every time I think of Religion, is all of what it's truly offered for humanity.'
Okay! Good, I got started. I continued:
'I used to believe! I used to have the warm feeling during hymns and sermons and when I prayed. Hell. You could have considered me a Jesus freak, honestly....I used to talk to myself alone before bed...That's how close and integrated I was.'
I typed that on my little Iphone but felt I needed to add more. So I did.
'And then one day, there was a sermon about how god had a plan for everyone. And I thought it was true. And on one considerably boring day, I decided to look to the 'other side' (As my youth group called it) to see how "disgusting" atheists spoke about Christianity. At first, I didn't believe any of it. They were idiots to me. All of them because they couldn't see God's power and how kind and loving he was.'
Taking a breath and a break from my tired thumbs, I continued typing on the little keyboard.
"Then I started reading and researching the true extent of what Atheism stood for. What Science stood for. What it all meant. Then I started researching the justifications and elaborations for God. I was appalled by the stories and scriptures of God's Genocide. Surely the people of which God commanded to kill deserved it...they were evil in his eyes!
But it happens again. again. and again. and again. Men. Woman. Children.'
I needed to explain to her now of why I lost my faith.
'I started to think of the criteria in which God Punished people. I started to ponder upon the real true meaning of omniscience and free will. It only gave me more questions to carry. I delved deeper and read the stories and articles written by those who study the bible's teachings that justified God's wrath.
It was all slaughter and murder. And their justifications were weak and, quite honestly, pathetically disgusting.
I started to look under a different light of things and began to truly wonder if God really had plans for people...Why would god create and plan for people if they are doomed to going to hell of which he created? Why did god even create the criteria in which people are judged and sent to hell? Why didn't god make this observably clear to us that he exists?'
I knew this was going to be a lot for her to swallow with a text, but I was committed...I had to finish.
'I started to think of how free will and God's will worked together.
It doesn't. If nothing goes against his will, and that nothing is impossible for him, then he is ultimately responsible for the world's suffering. He is ultimately responsible for those he sends to suffer in hell.
The story goes on and on, hun, But I eventually became disgusted with how I followed something so blindly...
I don't expect you to take any of what I said on account. If you believe his actions against humans like that are justified, then so be it.
But I believe the bible was created by bronze-aged men to control men. It's a dogma people follow blindly because the're scared for their self-preservation. They're scared there really is nothing after life.
A kind and benevolent God in my book would never have created hell, and never would have made the notion that "God loves you, but will send you to an eternal suffering place of which he created just because you don't believe him with only a huge dogmatic leap of faith.
I just didn't buy it anymore. And when I see people that I used to be, it breaks my heart. That's why I get anxiety over it.'
I finally finished. I sent the text. Which took a while to send, of course.
The reply from her took nearly and hour:
'I honestly have no idea how to respond. Except that I'm sorry you feel that way.
I still don't understand why you'd feel anxious because of other people's beliefs in God. It seems as if you are essentially acknowledging that here IS a God, you just choose not to believe in Him because of what he's done. Are you anxious because you know He is real, but are conflicted with your beliefs and fear Him? It that's the case, then you do have reason to be anxious.
My only explanation for this is that the giver of life can also take away life.
God can be as gentle as a lamb, but as fierce as a lion. God is god. We as the people serve Him. not the other way around. Yes, God has a plan for everyone, even those who don't acknowledge him, Everything has a purpose. Whether its good or bad is up to Him.
I know there are a lot of aspects to be questioned and I don't want to digress, but there is a lot to be questioned as well on the evolution side. Sometimes I look at how the universe all works together in harmony, and think, "This couldn't have happened randomly." The universe itself is naturally disorganized. it had to be put together somehow.
Look, sometimes I have questioned my own faith and thought, If God loves me and has a plan for me, then why am I where I am now? In an unhappy state of mind? But then I remember that through trials, my faith is strengthened, And it has. I have learned invaluable life lessons because of where I'm at and who I deal with. And for that, I thank God. I just can't imagine my life without him now. The way my life used to be. I don't want that. Pretty much all of my prayers these past two years were answered one way or another. Even those I thought impossible.
I can talk all I want about this subject, but I feel that nothing will get through to you. I can't take the blinders off people, only God can. So I'll let him do his work.
But I just want to say this--it's been really hard for me everyday, remembering that I'm committing myself to someone who will look-down on me because of my faith for the rest of my life. And because of that, I am hesitant. Being unequally yoked in a marriage is something warned about. And it's true. How can you go through life's trials as a couple (as ONE) when you both have different views on how to handle it? When you both have different views on how to raise you children? It literally scares me. I think about this everyday, but I never want to bring it up--because I don't want to lose you.
I just have to remind myself that meeting you and being with you for this long has happened for a reason, so I'll just keep on praying that God will answer your questions and take those blinders off.'
When I read that. My trembling hands placed my phone carefully on my desk, and wept at the words she gave me.
That Wet Cement Dried.
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