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My Declaration of Independence

By nomoregodplease ~

I lost my faith when God wouldn't take away my pain. I was in physical agony and he just left me there to suffer. I couldn't believe in a God who hated me so much that he would just ignore me like that. That feeling was cemented when the Catholic hospital I'd been staying in refused to treat me - the only medication that cures my condition is birth control.

And just like that, it was all over.

This idea of a man on a cloud judging me, hating me, punishing me... It didn't make sense anymore. I figured that if God is truly like that, then I didn't want to know him.

I'm not an atheist, not yet anyway, but the Christian god is dead to me.

I gave up on the church (though not god) a long time ago. Christians were just too much for me. So judgmental, hypocritical, spiteful and nasty. I couldn't stand them forcing their beliefs down my throat.

Same goes for atheists. I was sick of seeing atheists attack believers, doing the same thing as Christians in the name of "opening their eyes" and "trying to save them".

Zealous Christians and zealous atheists are two peas in the same pod to me, trying to make everyone see things their way.

But I'll tell you the truth, I feel lost without my faith. Not that I'd ever go back to it. I'd rather be lost and know the truth (that whatever god is, if there is such a thing, it's unlikely to be what Christians say it is) than lie to myself for some false feeling of security.

It's difficult to know where to turn. Another religion perhaps? Maybe Buddhism... I hear they don't have a god, and I don't want a god anymore. Not a god as careless and as cruel as the one I'm used to, anyway.

The overwhelming feeling that I have is that I just want the truth, whatever that is. If the Christians are right after all, and God is an angry man who loves plagues and turning people into salt (how come people don't get turned to salt anymore?) then I want to know that. If God is a flying fruit salad, then I want to know that. If god doesn't exist, then I want to know that.

But how does one go about finding that truth? Wasn't that what Christianity was supposed to provide me with? A path to the truth, and eternal happiness and salvation? Christianity just took me on a journey of guilt, unworthiness and confusion.

Christianity gave me hope that not only were there answers, but a clear path to discovering them.

Now that I've found that it was all a lie, I don't know what to do.

Now that I've found that it was all a lie, I don't know what to do.
I do know that I can't go back to praying to a god that doesn't care about me, that ignores me, that gives people nothing other than steadfast belief in their own awfulness and an excuse to commit horrid crimes against humanity,

So many terrible acts are committed in the name of god.

So, now I'm lost, as I'm sure many people are after losing religion.

But I feel free. And I've never felt free before. I hear that people who spend most of their lives in jail don't know how to function in the real world and go crazy.

I wonder if I'll be able to handle my new found freedom?

Especially when the idea of hell keeps coming back to haunt me. I'm going to hell for leaving, I'm going to hell for asking questions, I'm going to hell because I want god to be more than man.

As a Christian (not a very good Christian) I'd be going to hell anyway, so it doesn't really matter if I question my beliefs or not, but in the face of such brainwashing, it offers little consolation.

It's not easy to lose one's faith. It's a real struggle, actually, and I commend those that have been able to cut ties with their false ideas about god. I'd love to be able to do the same.

Anyway, whatever the truth is, however I'm supposed to find it, if it's even possible to, I hope that putting myself in the position of being open to it, whatever it is, is a step in the right direction. I have no way to confirm that, but even when I prayed to God for guidance he didn't give me any, so nothing has really changed there.

I guess the only thing I know for sure is that Christianity offers me nothing, and that it seems to cause more harm in the world than good.

That's more truth than I've been aware of my entire life and it's a start.


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