6/25/2012 | Share this article: View CommentsBy Danimal (aka Aspieguy) ~
Would you like to be a Methodist? As a former United Methodist, I am here to tell you how. As the movie "A River Runs Through It" says, Methodists are Baptists who can read. If you can follow these simple steps, you can become a member of the United Methodist Church:
1. Be sure you know nothing about the denomination. Don't know who John Wesley is or the Book of Discipline. Be ignorant of the itinerant ministry and don't know who your bishop is.
2. Participate in the church prayer chain. Remember, the only prayers allowed are for the sick, injured or dead. Anything personal is off-limits. If someone recovers, make sure the prayers get the credit, not the doctors or nurses.
3. If you like to debate or argue, be sure you only argue over insignificant things such as musical styles, worship styles, or how good the sermons are.
4. Avoid controversial topics such as homosexuality and abortion.
5. Possess multiple personalities. You need the minimum of a church personality, a private personality, and a public personality. Never be the same person wherever you may be.
6. Never remember sermons. You must not remember the Sunday sermon any longer than 24 hours. But, do let the pastor know how effective his sermon was and how it "spoke to your heart".
7. Overuse words such as "grace", "heart", and "mercy" so that these words lose their meaning.
8. Learn to make great casseroles and salads so you can bring them to potlucks.
9. Learn to love boring committees.
10. Never question the spirituality of any other church member. If they like to handle rattlesnakes or use profanity in church, you must never "judge".
11. Learn some common church slang and stock phrases. You will sound really smart and "spiritually mature".
12. Learn to be a sheep. Methodists really love sheep.
13. Learn to love K-Love radio and its sappy worship music.
14. Don't make friends with anyone. Methodists are into fellowship, not friends.
If you can do most of these things, you too can become eligible for membership in any Methodist church. But, it's just a lot easier not to be one,not to mention more logical.