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Subliminal Cereal and Magic Burgers

By Andrea ~

Have you ever seen one of those comedians who calls himself/herself a ''Christian comedian?'' They try to keep it ''clean'' and say that they are also bringing the Lord's message into it.They act like they are so fresh because they don't make sex jokes, and things like that.But the truth is..I've never seen a funny one. Maybe it's because they are trying so hard to keep everything ''Christian related'' but, to me, they just seem to fall flat.But what IS funny is that they don't realize the joke is actually in what they take seriously.

I see Christianity as a really sad system that traps people and manipulates them.Most of the time when I think about it...I feel the way you would when your dog gets hit by a car..just plain depressed.I don't take it's effect on the world lightly.But as much as I find it sad..sometimes I just end up laughing.I end up laughing because some of the things they say are so ridiculous.They speak this crazy ''code language'' and Christian comedians don't even realize that, in some ways,their religion is the comedy.

After being around them for so many years, I started to ''decode'' some of these weird cryptic sayings.And some of them..I still don't know what they mean.The other day I found something that I wrote once. I called it the ''Christian Dictionary.'' I realized some of it was things I used to take SO seriously, and now it was as goofy to me as the Urban Dictionary.I found myself laughing as I realized what they actually mean.Here's a few that I ''decoded'' and they're probably familiar to you.



''Bless this meal to nourishment of our bodies.''

-One time I was at a church lunch and someone brought Krystal hamburgers. (If you're from the South you know that's a popular fast food chain) It's the kind of place you go when you just want to cheat a little, and have fat on fat with a side order of grease.But they were honestly praying that Jesus would nourish us with this food.So the meaning behind this one is...Jesus can turn your junk food into magic and let it power you all day long!Who knew?!

''Waiting on the Lord'' -

I think this one means something like this ''Pastor Bobby's roof caved in last week,but he's not fretting like other people.He's just waiting on the Lord to get him that discount card to Home Depot!


''God doesn't want us to hide our bodies..he just wants us to show them off in a way that glorifies him''

This one will come off sounding like Jesus wants woman to wrap themselves in a giant tarp,because he has a phobia of body shape,but actually what they mean is that he only has a slight phobia of body shape.So that means he's feeling calm today and he's given you the freedom of showing off your ''up to your chin'' turtle neck sweater with three under shirts under it.Woohoo!

''Be praying for our leaders, and men and woman in uniform''

Uh oh..they seem to be really set on getting Jesus' attention for this one.I think it means he's probably off smoking a joint and sleeping in late, cause he seems to be unaware that the ENTIRE MILITARY needs help!


''I felt a call into mission work.''

Oh we all know what this one means!Jesus isn't really a fan of normal communication and he's using those subliminal messages again!I mean if he wants you to hand out Bibles in a distant land, don't look for him on your phone. Be ready for someone to say that they were eating breakfast and Jesus made their Cheerios form the continent of Africa!


''God can change even the darkest lifestyle''

You mentioned that your third cousin in Oregon is an atheist.Now they are sure he is at home shooting up heroin to go with his Vodka bing,while cheating on his girlfriend and texting Satan.In reality...he's vacuuming his living room while drinking a diet coke.

''We've been redeemed by the blood so we can gather here to magnify his holy name''

This is the most "out there" one.. even Jesus doesn't know what it means . So uh..put away your magnifying glass?


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