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Out of the Shadows She Comes

By Tes28 ~

Long-time skeptic here and recently out of the doubting closet. It hit me Easter Day as I was searching "proof of God" that I wasn't going to find it, or believe it, for that matter.

I've been a Christian for roughly five years, my husband and I becoming born-again believers after marrying in July 2007. We were baptized in the river July 2008 and over-enthusiasts of the worst kind. We weren't in everybody's face, but we were "in the know".

Fast forward to 2009, when we excitedly decided to start a family. But each month passed with no positive line, and my heart ached with rejection by the season. Oh, did this girl pray. Then, in 2010, we got that plus sign! It was God's answer to our prayers! Unfortunately, shortly after it ended in a miscarriage and I was left in a pit so dark I turned zombie-like.

God was just not there during this time. I began to wonder, was he ever? I could handle the infertility, the miscarriage, if I just knew somehow I wasn't alone. It was a slow process for me, while attending church and Bible studies and mentoring the community youth group, in realizing I was more than just a doubting Thomas, but a straight up nonbeliever. I had so many questions and too few answers that I could authentically believe.

Telling my husband the other day was hard. He has cried three times in the almost nine years I have known him, and last night was one of them. If anyone has demonstrated an authentic Christian attitude, it's him. I am scared of what will happen with us.

Because the thing is, I don't consider myself a Christian anymore. I was a depressed one, and I was lonely. I am not an atheist, either. I am done labeling myself. I don't want to be the bitter woman who hates religion and men, but still a loving, kind 28 year-old woman just trying to figure life out.

Oh, and no babies as of yet. My first real check up is Thursday morning. But strangely, I am ok with whatever occurs. It's not my fault if it doesn't happen, and I guess others can think me not "saved by childbirth".

I am signing this as a kind, compassionate, loving woman who might still pray now and then, but doesn't expect you to.


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