2/25/2012 | Share this article: View CommentsBy Olga ~
First of all I apologize for the mistakes, as English is not my mother tongue. But I feel a strong urge to let the others know how Christianity damaged a huge part of my life.
I became a Christian when I was 16. I was in love with a schoolmate who told me he would never believe in a god. Three days later he became a Christian. He looked so happy. And I loved him. And what's worse: I was not feeling happy at all. Depression, anxiety, despair. And when something good happened, I immediately knew it wouldn't last for long. I guess I was not the only sixteen years old who felt like this.
And here he was. My happy hero. He took me to his church and I loved it. I loved the moments I could spend with him. But it was not just him. All of those Christians seemed to be so happy! I had no problem to take all I had believed in and throw it to the waste basket. Jesus was the only one I wanted to live for.
My parents weren't happy about my decision. But still better than drugs, alcohol and sex. Slowly I started to think about the future. I was praying and praying and praying what school should I choose. No answer. I was so anxious. I wanted to please God. I wanted to do what he wanted me to do. The problem was I didn't know what he wanted. I was told just to trust him. So I did. And didn't apply for any school. I started to work as a baby sitter, I took English courses and lived for the church.
One night I suddenly knew. God wanted me to study theology. It made a perfect sense to me. He wanted me to study and teach the Bible to the little kids I loved so much.
I started to work as a children evangelist during my studies. I found a few people who became my close friends and co-workers, and we started to gather the lost little sheep. We did lots of fun, and we did lots of emotional pushing. I was a machine. I spread those lies among the most vulnerable little kids. I was taking advantage of them. And I believed I was doing that for their own good.
Oh yes I believed! I strongly believed. I didn't ever dare to doubt. I didn't have time for anything but church and evangelism. And was feeling lonely. God was the only one I trusted. I didn't date anyone, I was afraid of falling in love again. I was afraid of being hurt. But I thought I was just godly. Perhaps he wanted me to stay alone.... Until I was 25.
I met him at a Christian Summer camp, we happened to play in a music band together. He played a bass guitar, I played the keyboard. Lots of time together. We started to e-mail after the camp, he joined my home group, we did some music etc... and in 2 years we got married. No sex of course! Until marriage.
A year later a wonderful girl was born, and another in next two years... and a boy in additional next two years. I didn't take the pills as we both believed it was wrong. So three kids and lots of depression. I was exhausted. I couldn't go on, had to quit all my work in the church. Music, evangelism, youth group, women bible study group. I had almost no strength for my own family. I was desperately crying to God.
I remember that moment of despair. I was standing at a bus stop late at night. It was cold. I was praying, crying, pleading with God to have mercy on me. Thinking of ending my life. I sacrificed my life to him and his church. And he was so far away.
My husband wouldn't understand. Our relationship was broken after our first daughter was born. We were told we would be happy, just because we were so obedient and didn't have sex before marriage. In fact we didn't know each other. We studied the bible together, but didn't know anything about the real life.
So I was standing there at the bus stop praying and crying out loud. And you know what? Nobody was there.
It was about five years ago I realized that horrible truth. It took me four years to accept it.
Now I am still a mother of three kids, still with the same husband who started to understand me eventually. I quit attending the church, I quit all my Christian faith. He still believes but he's respecting me. He takes the kids to the church, I stay home at Sundays. They are happy not to eat the same pizza every week.
Finally in my 37 years of age I applied for a university. I don't have to be a professional Christian and mother. Going to study language and literature, which I could have studied twenty years ago if I weren't so afraid of missing God's will. I could have been happier in my life. But there's no way to turn the time back.
I just regret those wasted years. And I hope the kids I preached to live normal lives. I was lied to and I infected others with those lies. So sorry.
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