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Where Do I Turn?

By Ashley ~

Well, I suppose in order to understand my current situation, I must give you some sort of background information. I'm 18 years old and a freshman at University. I have been raised in Christian schools, but not in a particularly Christian home. I mean, my mom is religious but does not attend church and my stepfather and father are both inactive in their faiths.

All of my friends are devout Christian (except for the new ones I have made at school) and up until recently, so was I. I never dreamed of leaving my faith or anything, although my doubts began when I was 15. But as most people told me when I voiced my doubts, I believed that it was "Satan" trying to lead me away from the faith or that I was struggling with a particular sin and that was leading me away from God. So back and forth, all through my high school years, I waged a war inside of myself between faith and reason, which often lead to bouts of depression and anxiety.

It was not until my senior year in high school that I seriously considered straying away from my faith, but of course I did not. I held on tightly and for some reason I could not let go. But I was fed up with God, I was tired of praying on my knees every night and reading my Bible every day and never hearing anything from him! I was angry to say the least, and tired and frustrated. However, I ignored those feelings and continued to hold on.

I have just completed my first semester at university and I am in a confusing situation. I think (although I still go back and forth) that I am no longer a believer. During first semester though, I became heavily involved in a large Christian organization on campus and developed a few friendships with people who were extremely religious. In fact, I have someone I would consider to be a best friend who is religious and we have agreed to be roommates next year. And this poses a problem for me, because I have discovered the true condition of my so-called faith, but I do not want to lose these friendships.

I struggle with where I fit in enough as it is, but to lose this is to lose my identity. And my very best friend is a strong Christian and I am afraid that if I tell her I will pushed away and we will no longer be friends. And not to mention my mom, who will disown me! I'm extremely fearful of where this deconversion might take me, but I know that I have finally found the right path.


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