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Drowning

By Britt ~

When I was younger, I was convinced that demons were everywhere. They could come out of your tv and posses you if you have a scary movie on, or they could hypnotise you through music if you weren't listening to praise and worship music...just a bunch of ridiculous stuff that pretty much scarred my childhood. I would have to cling to a bible, read it EVERYDAY and pray all the time to feel safe. To my mom all that was good.

To me it was fear.

I feel more free today than I ever was.

What basically got me to stop believing is my sexual orientation. I found out I was bisexual/bigendered. That scared me. I felt like I was going to Hell.

I was tired of living in fear so I googled "Proof God isn't real" and found this website. I've been getting on here reading things for months now and am finally submitting my story.

My mom is obsessive about God and believes all that crazy stuff about demons still.
I still have to live with her and go to a crazy cult church on Sunday and do a little Bible study every Monday night.

My mom knows that I support gays, she knows I dont like church and probably knows I don't give a shit about her crazy believes anymore, but she still likes to drown me in them.

It hurts me so bad that if I were to come out to my mom she would just tell me I'm a bad person and I'm going to Hell. She thinks my lack of faith comes from my agnostic boyfriend but it's because of her. It's like I'm drowning in a pool and she's pushing me back down, thinking she's pulling me up. I can't take this anymore. I love my mom and my family a lot but I just want to leave. To her I'm a horrible child just because I don't agree with what she says. I've thought about suicide to get away but I'm too afraid about there being a Hell and all of Christianity being real.

She cheered on the pastor when he preached about gays and it hurt me. So many things she does just hurts me.

So here I am today, an Agnostic drowning in a sea of confusion.


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