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I've Never Thought of Leaving God

By Crying Boy ~

I've never given any testimonials before even when I was still a Christian. I did, in fact for many times, visualise my self standing on the stage and give testimonials. Constructing all the points that I wanted to make in my mind. What I've never thought about is, I finally has a chance to give testimony. But sadly (or gladly), it's on an ex-christian site.

I was born in a semi religious family practising what we called Taoism. My parents practice it merely because of the tradition rather than really believing it's true. But my siblings, most of them, are kind of religious. And so did I. But not in Taoism, but in Christianity instead. I was the only Christian in my family, and my family don't like that idea.

Growing up in a Christian School in a country far away from USA, from kindergarten to high school (yes, the same school), I automatically become a believer. Not only a believer, I'm one of the activist in the school church. I very rarely absent from the Sunday School. When I entered high school, I started teaching Sunday School and started serving in the Youth Sunday service. And eventually become the leader of the Youth Committee and the lead musician. Nobody would have imagine what I've become today.

When I entered the 4th year of my high school, I started to get more serious. I started reading bible everyday, I spend most of my time with fellow Christians. I was even offered the opportunity to go to bible school for free (thanks my Mom for rejecting the offer). I understand the bible quite well in term that I can advise people based on the verses on the bible (I still do sometimes). I depends highly on Jesus and think that I'll never live one day without his blessing. I believed in miracles and really encountered them in my life. Jesus was my friend that I can't live one day without talking to him.

Then I went to attend university in another country. I attended different churches in the span of 4 years. But I do settle in one church. I couldn't find a spot where I can fit in anywhere. The churches here are way so different from my old church. My old church is so family based, but the churches here are so well organized that it looks like an business organisation instead. They have big building, epic music performances, rich pastors and really talented people organizing the church. I enjoyed the service very much and really feels the presence of Holy Spirit when we worship him. But somehow, I can't find anywhere that I can serve. I tried to join the music team, but it was put down by the procedure that I have go through. The idea went off. I didn't have much friend in church. I don't feel connected with them at all. Even though we do hang out, they are just too busy to care for my existence and we are like people from different planets. They tried hard to reach me, but I rejected them because it's funny that we are not in the same class, we don't stay in the same neighbourhood, nor we have common interest. I don't find a reason for us to be best friends. So, I became kind of a stranger in the church. You know, the one who everybody know his face but nobody know his name.

I still read my bible. In fact, I read different versions. I still very religious, still believe strongly in miracles. And I keep in touch with my previous church leaders. They are the ones who encouraged me to finish my degree and feed me with those spiritual needs. Without them, I believe that my university life will be so much harder. (I have to thank them for this).

When I started working, my office have some sort of weekly prayer meeting where we study the bible and pray for the company. So, I attended. The prayer meeting leader is one of the worst Christians I've ever met. He drinks, smokes, rude and many others. But, he's kind of know the bible very well (but in a very wrong way I believe). Able to quote the bible verses together with its numbers and exact words from various different versions. But, his interpretation of the bible is totally contradicting my believe. That started my very strong urge to stop attending the meeting. But I keep coming in the believe that he might have some points sometime.

All these things added up started to fade my ignorant. I was from a community where people are so nice to each others. And so, the bible is interpreted as very good moral and I thought everything written there is good. But after experiencing the years with different types of Christians, I started to look at the bible the different way. I started to notice the contradictions in the bible and some of its nonsensicalness. I remember very well the last bible chapters that I read and when I decided to say "fuck this shits". It was the story about Moses telling his people to live the way of God in Leviticus. I questioned, why did God set his law so similar to other religions in the ancient times (like blood offering and the rituals of the worshipping). Is Moses just making these up so his people believe in him?

I started to encounter some of new questions that pissed me off so much. Talk about many people in the bible where God hardened their heart so his ultimate plan can be done. I started to think that maybe I am one of those bible characters that is designed to go to hell. I said "whatever, if it's his will, let it be done" and here I am today, the Exchristian.

Then, I enter the withdrawal period. I can't stop praying or coming to church. I just miss them. So for few months, I keep coming to church as a non-believer. I still believe that there is some sort of scientifically proved benefit that I can get from attending church. Until one day, I realize that this is kind of an addiction for me instead. So I make up my mind and that will be the last time I visited church.

Now, I'm living the bible even though I'm not a Christian. I still believe there is many moral lesson that we can learn from the bible. I also hope that you could please treat our fellow Christian friends with kindness. We want to show that we can be a very nice person as well without the existence of God in our life.

I still have dreams that I thought God will help me realises one day. The different is, I am more realistic now rather than relying heavily on miracles to happen. Life can be tough, but I'm kind of relieved to know that I will not go to hell if I failed. And so I precious every moment of my life, not thinking of killing myself any more (thinking that dead is better though I believed killing my self will bring me to hell). And I can see that I'm a lot happier now than I was (according to my facebook timeline).


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