• Articles

  • Testimonials

  • Videos

  • Rants

  • Dr. Valerie Tarico

  • Dr. Marlene Winell


  • Recent Forum Testimonials

  • Letters


  • Recently Popular Blog Posts

God, why did you put me here?

Son of a preacher man ~

Home life of fear, I don't want to sin, I don't want to sin! Look out, their watching your every move, just waiting to see one of your sins. Hide things in your room, they dam well search there too. I am sin. Better look out you got no one to turn to, your brothers, your sisters will dob you in quicker than sin… Playing a N64 game "now run like hell" I say to his computer character, "you said hell, I'm telling on you". Dam why did I say that word, I'm going to be in so much trouble, I am so stupid, I am such a sinner, I hate myself... I better hide.

At home one evening, "Who did this?" he shouts, "What?" we timidly reply. There was a cake in the cupboard, all brand new, and without fault. "This" he shouts pointing at a mark in the icing. The mark looks like someone had run their finger through the icing, to steal a sneaky taste. No one says a word, we all look around and start pleading our innocence. "Well someone did it!" as he starts to grab our hands and measure our fingers against the mark in the icing… Dam, my little finger and my sisters index finger match up, "which one of you two did this?" he shouts, we both look at each other and shrug our shoulders, plead for mercy. "You, both go to your rooms"… in my room isolated and alone, oh no what's he going to do? I didn't do that did I? I didn't even know we had cake? I don't know whats going to happen, I am so scared… He storms into the room, "Admit it! you did it didn't you?", "No, please no", "don't lie to me, it will only make your punishment worse" he says as he holds the thick smacking spoon above his head, "I didn't do it" I say as I cower on my bed. He slams the door on the way out… Alone again, I hear him make the same threats to my sister through the wall, I can't imagine whats going through her mind. Whats going to happen, I am so scared… He's in my room again, "if one of you don't admit it I'm going to punish you both!" he shouts, "I didn't do it, please" I am crying… he's in my sister's room again when I start to hear shrieks of pain and my sister crying. Whats going on? is he punishing us both? did she admit to it? I'm so scared, oh no he's finished with her and he's coming for me, help me God, please GOD, help me. I am so alone… "Your sister admitted to it, you can go finish your dinner", I timidly made my way around him as he stood over me, spoon in hand like one of Gods many brave warriors. Back at the dinner table we don't say word… To this day I kick myself for not taking the blame on that one. I didn't do it, but I still don't know if my sister did either. I feel bad that she took the punishment, I should have been more of a man and just taken it.

I feel so de-powered, I shut myself off from the outside world for shame that they will see we are christians, I am so ashamed that my parents are preachers, I hate the religion, I hate that I am the religion, I have no choice, forced to rise at six every morning and read the bible for my sin. I must know it off by heart maybe then they will leave me alone, maybe then I won't have to go to their church, it's all my fault anyway, I am such a sinner… I hate them, I fantasize about stabbing them in their sleep, at least then it will be over, at least then I will be free… At church twice every Sunday, and home groups on a Wednesday, I hate my life, I am such a looser, I wish I was dead… What are these christians around me? why do they believe this stuff? why are they funding my parents? are they just dumb? they are assholes, I wish I wasn't me, I can't get out, I don't know anyone outside the church, they are all evil anyway, where can I run to? Who can I trust? no one, your on your own kid, shut up, don't say a word, don't let anyone know how you feel. You are such a looser, maybe if I read more of my bible things will be better, thats it, God is just teaching me I need to be a better person, I am such a sinner, I hate myself, I am all alone, Just push it down, don't tell anyone how you feel, you are all alone. God, why did you put me here?


Filed Under: ,

About ExChristian.Net

The ExChristian.Net blog exists for the express purpose of encouraging those who have decided to leave Christianity behind. It is not an open challenge for Christians to avenge what they perceive as an offense against their religious beliefs. Please read the site disclaimer prior to posting comments.





RSS Feed
  • Popular This Week:

  • Post Categories

  • Special Contributors

A. Uiet Bhor (8) Agnosticator (9) Alegria (3) Alen Basic (1) Apostate Paul (3) Aspieguy (9) Astreja (16) Atheist Dad (1) atheistnurse (10) AtheistToothFairy (6) Avangelism Project (7) Bill J (17) billybee (10) BlackFreethought (6) Bob P (9) Bob R (5) boomSlang (2) Brian B (5) Brian Kellogg (8) Brisancian (3) Brother Jeff (9) Bruce Gerencser (2) Bruno Corey (1) Butch (2) C. T. Ogden (4) Calladus (5) Carl S (163) Carol Putnam (2) Carolyn Hyppolite (4) Cheryl Ensom Dack (6) Chris W. (1) Christian Agnostic (2) ChuckyJesus (7) ConversationsWithA (7) D. R. Khashaba (6) DagoodS (17) Daniel Morgan (2) Daniel out of the Lion's Den (13) Dano (28) darklady (7) Dave8 (1) DealDoctor (27) Dennis Diehl (1) Dethblight (6) dharma (4) Discordia (4) DocMIke (30) Doubting Thomas (2) Doug John (1) Dr. Marlene Winell (41) Dr. Valerie Tarico (164) DRC (2) EChamberlainMD (11) Ed (Teapot) (2) Eric Jeffries (2) eveningmeadows (13) Evid3nc3 (4) ex-Pastor Dan (22) exfundy (8) exPenty (8) Faithfool (2) freddieb42 (2) Freethinking Okie (1) Gabe (3) God-O-Rama (6) Godlessgrrl (5) Greenworld (4) hellboundsoul (3) Houndies (3) Ian (14) Incongruous Circumspection (11) J.C. Samuelson (25) J.W. (2) JadedAtheist (2) Jake Rhodes (3) James A. Haught (3) James C (4) Jody (5) John Blatt (8) John Botha (1) John Fraysse (7) John Loftus (26) John Shores (9) Kalos (4) Kevin Parry (1) Klym (11) Larry C (5) Larry Spencer (5) Libby Anne (3) Log1cd1ctat3s (2) Lorena (16) lungfish (1) Micah_Cowan (3) Michael Sherlock (5) Mriana (38) MtlRedAtheist (8) Nikki (1) Nvrgoingbk (7) NYdiva (2) ooglyman (2) Patrice (2) Paul So (26) Philippe Orlando (3) Philonous (1) Politics (46) Positivist (5) Psy-Cop (1) psychman33 (5) Rational Okie (3) Renoliz (10) Rev Ex-Evangelist (7) RickO (3) RubySera (1) Rudy (4) Russ Hamel (2) SailerFraud (5) Sam Singleton (5) SConner (2) SeageVT (3) Sharon (3) Simplex Munditiis (3) Son of a preacher (5) Stephen F. Uhl (4) Stillunsure (4) Stronger Now (3) summerbreeze (26) Susan G. Bonella (3) Tania (10) tekHedd (2) The New Heretics (4) The STeWpId MoNkEy (4) The Thylacine (2) TheThinkingAtheist (5) Thin-ice (3) ThinkTank (5) Thomas (1) Tim Simmons (23) Tim Whistorn (2) True Anathema (4) TruthSurge (11) Tyrone Williams (5) undercover agnostic (11) unoder (7) Vadarama (2) Victor J Webster (2) Vyckie (11) Webmdave (67) WizenedSage (126) xrayman (6) xxkindofboredxx (2) Zach Moore (13)
  • Recommended Reading: Support ExChristian.Net When Shopping

Whenever you shop at Amazon.Com, please consider beginning your shopping experience by clicking any Amazon.Com links on this site first. By doing so, ExChristian.Net will receive a small commission, no matter what you might purchase.

The price you'll pay for Amazon.Com products will be the same regardless of how you arrive at the Amazon.Com website, but by using our website as your entrance point to Amazon.Com, you'll provide financial support to ExChristian.Net.