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The decent

By Son of a preacher man ~

I am the Lord your God:

If I even dare to question the absolute truth of the bible I deserve to be beaten. Later becomes "Why am I so unprepared for the real world, God where have I gone wrong?". Still later becomes "God, how could you do this to me?". And then becomes " you are not My god, I AM (to quote the bible), not you". Which turns to "what do I do now? how do people live in this world?"… … I say 'this world' deliberately, I often think of my time involved in my family to quite literally living in a parallel world, a world that was just as real to me as what I would now call a 'scientific' world, which I now try to live, it is a daily struggle to separate reality form this parallel world, a struggle I fear I will face for the rest of my life. All concepts must be relearned in this life, such as, what does the word family really mean? what is it to be a friend? how come my education only leaves me with the choice of minimum wage? I hear people in this world actually like themselves, is that true? what does that feel like? will I ever feel like that? How do people get things done without god? In my world god was responsible for any and all good you did in any of life's fields, whether it be social, education, sport, if I do well at any of these things its not me doing it, its god working through me doing it, I am just a vessel. On the other hand, when I make a mistake or fail at something it is me doing it (suddenly I am no longer the vessel), and I failed because I am a sinner and deserve to be punished. The seeds of reality planted in my fertile childish mind have reaped me nothing but weeds.

You shall have no other gods before me:

These other religions are the work of the devil, we need to convert them. Later becomes "why?". Then becomes "all paths lead to one God". Which turns in to "Who the hell is this god fellow? and whats his problem?" Eventually, despairingly turns to "I have been brainwashed. This all all about control… control over what?"… … A question there seams to be many answers to from political control (from the pulpit he told his flock how to vote), financial control (when I left my biological father's church the first thing he said to me was "I noticed your tithes haven't been in the bank account the past few weeks?" and that's a direct quote), community control (local business, local and national government, schools, and John & Jane Doe in the street are daily and subtle influenced by religion, to a point where it has become the accepted norm)….. to name just a fraction of the kind of control they have, and/or want. I would even suggest based on political views I heard voiced at many pastors' meetings, the creation of a christian communist world government would not be off the table, after all, "I know ultimate truth" is a direct quote from a preacher who believes a man lived in a fish for three days.

Honor your mother and father:

If I don't do what they say (no mater what) I rightly deserve a beating. Later becomes "I have no where else to go, why are they doing this to me?". Which becomes "I want to kill them". This after a couple of years of suppression becomes " I want to kill myself"… ... Although I no longer want to kill myself (something I tried at seventeen, vomited a yellow bile for two days afterward), I do see death as a sweet release, something to look forward to, I don't think I fear god, should there unlikely be an afterlife. After all, he couldn't defeat me when I was a helpless child, he stands no chance against me as an immortal dead! The subconscious fear of hell I have a hard time shaking, will I always feel this way?

Judge not, lest ye be judge yourself (a wise principle, in doubt?):


I must judge the sin not the sinner. My brother, who became a preacher (no doubt due to the indoctrination we faced as children, his wife once told me how he said he wished he could break free from under our fathers influence like I had), once excommunicated our sister from his church (I had left well before then) because she started seeing someone who wasn't 'saved by Jesus'… … Why is it that Christians find it easier to follow the bad things in the bible than the good (however little that may be) the bible has to offer, do we come back to the question of control, agenda, and desire to rule us all?


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