3/27/2011 | Share this article:By Your Fellow Free-Thinker ~
My grandmother was a believer, and taught me as a little girl (what I now realize as brainwashing) to believe in Jesus Christ, as he died for my sins and that if I didn't believe, he'd send me to be eternally damned and punished for it. As a little kid, I was terrified. Of course I believed. Back then, that was perfectly reasonable.
Our church was full of gossipers and hypocrites. I remember one kind old lady who gave me caramel flavored candy every time I went. One day that kind lady died, and the church went on just the same. I remember asking my grandma about it, and she just said that was the way things were. I was frustrated, though, because that answer didn't answer anything. But I brushed it aside.
So I grew up, and around fifteen I had suicidal thoughts. I remember feeling useless and like God was punishing me with self-hatred because I wasn't living a godly life (I was attracted to males AND females, I masturbated, I lied, I had tried pot once). I talked to my preacher about it, and he reinforced these thoughts. Thankfully, I never did commit suicide. I just became a "more devoted believer".
At sixteen, I began to wonder why my prayers were never answered. All around me, people were talking about how God talked to them all the time, how God blessed them, and yet again, I felt maybe God didn't love me. That's why he wasn't talking to me. I had never felt anything at church. Was that also proof he had abandoned me?
Later that same year, I began to think "Maybe if I read the Bible, I can become closer to God, like my preacher says," and so I did. And then I came to strange parts that contradicted the ten commandments. Slavery? Murder? Rape? Subjecting women to men? (As a woman, that was pretty dang offending.) I consulted with my preacher. He said, "God does not need to explain himself to humans," and scolded me for it.
I asked my dad. My dad is very smart. Logical, reasonable, and knows a lot. But he's Christian. He tried his best to explain it, but it still made no sense. It never did. My mom hardly said anything on the matter, and my brother, being the jerk he is, agreed with the female submission deal. But anyway.
I turned seventeen, and decided, finally: "God, if you do exist, then I refuse to worship you. You help everyone but me, God, and perform miracles. But what about the amputees? What about the blind? The deaf? You don't heal them, and you didn't heal my pain when I cried myself to sleep those nights. If I'm going to Hell for standing up for what I believe in, so be it. I refuse to accept anything illogical. Your illogical. Jesus is illogical. And now, I feel betrayed and pissed off because you lied. You fed me all this bull crap since the day I was born, and I demand a refund on nineteen years of my life."
I still haven't told my parents, as they are hard core Christians, but I finally feel so FREE. I now notice what true salvation/freedom is. FREEDOM FROM GOD. Freedom from religion. Freedom to live without thinking, "Oh, never mind, god won't like that!" Or "I'd go to hell for that!"
And I think back to that kind lady who gave me the candy those days. She spent her life worshiping a God who would never existed, or would care. She didn't deserve that. She was a kind lady. She was lied to, too. And it pisses me off even more so.
As a final word to "God", I tell you, with all my heart and soul, please go screw yourself. Thank you.
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