Letters To Myself
1/03/2011 | Share this article:
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By Patrice ~ 12/23/10
It's hard to believe but...I really don't believe anymore. I don't believe in Yahweh, I don't believe that the bible is infallible or inerrant. I don't believe that Jesus was the perfect moral role model...the still small voice that I hear, I believe that, that voice is my own. But all my life I have been listening to a voice that was built up through time and indocrination. That is the voice that I thought was god, mainly becaue that was the voice that was the loudest. And once I started having doubts, learning more about my religion and seeing things that couldn't be made to be beautiful-I started slowly to see that voice as being brash, immature, loud, weak and controlling-not to mention, ugly. This was the voice or at least the concept that I thought was protecting me-but it's foundations were housed on guilt and fear. If this was satan (I was told by some that this voice was satan from others) then where was god? Why didn't he raise his voice? The voice criticized everything. Any decision I made-any counter argument I had was drowned out.
I sadly did have a lot of fears honestly about wanting to be an animator. I wanted to work on the cool, smart, racy adult shows-which had cursing and were violent. I had so much inner turmoil thinking back on that time, especially around the time of my internship in Manhattan. I tried to rationalize and think to myself, "Well, I'll just pigeon hole myself into children's television." I was so afraid to venture out on a project I thought might compromise my allegiance to god-I even got headaches and other aches when someone asked for work that I thought "questionable" at the time.
I signed up to go to Japan to teach English. The voice said, "If you're not doing missions work, then you shouldn't be going". I kept reading a book by David Seamands called "Healing For Damaged Emotions
I am out now, and I LOVE it. I have NO intentions on going back. I am very depressed today, I think about what happened to me and I become filled with anger and resentment. The fear of hell comes and goes. Logically, christianity makes no sense but I am surrounded by it (at least on facebook). I'm rebuilding my framework and most of the time it's fun-at other times I am insecure and filled with anxiety. I see how imperfect and ambiguous life really is for all of us. The greatest achievement I now feel for everyone and anyone is to unconditionally love YOURSELF and love others. Try to see how complex life really is and that you don't have to have all the answers. I'm slowly treading through all of this. I'm learning to be human and learning how to let others be human too.

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