Letters To Myself

By Patrice ~

Hello all, I'm currently in secular therapy for overcoming a lot of the damage that was done to me in my 19 years as a Christian. At first, writing on this website was hard for me because I felt tremendous guilt and fear about doing so, thankfully, lots of fears are slowly ebbing away. I'm also reading for the second time Dr. Marlene Winell's, Leaving The Fold. Life is a lot better but not without it's speed bumps, perhaps it's my brain readjusting to thinking for itself? Sometimes it's very painful-especially during times when hormones are high like during PMS. I was feeling very depressed this morning and angry about what I am going through. I thought it might help to type things out:

12/23/10

It's hard to believe but...I really don't believe anymore. I don't believe in Yahweh, I don't believe that the bible is infallible or inerrant. I don't believe that Jesus was the perfect moral role model...the still small voice that I hear, I believe that, that voice is my own. But all my life I have been listening to a voice that was built up through time and indocrination. That is the voice that I thought was god, mainly becaue that was the voice that was the loudest. And once I started having doubts, learning more about my religion and seeing things that couldn't be made to be beautiful-I started slowly to see that voice as being brash, immature, loud, weak and controlling-not to mention, ugly. This was the voice or at least the concept that I thought was protecting me-but it's foundations were housed on guilt and fear. If this was satan (I was told by some that this voice was satan from others) then where was god? Why didn't he raise his voice? The voice criticized everything. Any decision I made-any counter argument I had was drowned out.

I sadly did have a lot of fears honestly about wanting to be an animator. I wanted to work on the cool, smart, racy adult shows-which had cursing and were violent. I had so much inner turmoil thinking back on that time, especially around the time of my internship in Manhattan. I tried to rationalize and think to myself, "Well, I'll just pigeon hole myself into children's television." I was so afraid to venture out on a project I thought might compromise my allegiance to god-I even got headaches and other aches when someone asked for work that I thought "questionable" at the time.

I signed up to go to Japan to teach English. The voice said, "If you're not doing missions work, then you shouldn't be going". I kept reading a book by David Seamands called "Healing For Damaged Emotions". It talked about how Jesus was to be my ultimate superman and pick up the slack...but he didn't. Why would god be so narrow minded? Did he not like Japanese people? I know some christians would and have said, "Well that's not god talking". Well I have no one else to look to place blame on but the concept of god that I had because whomever god may be did not speak up for itself and I would hate that if there is a god, that he/she/it would be that ambiguous towards anyone. I didn't go only because NYC's subway system flooded that day (how bizarre) and I missed the interview. In those days, I believed it to be part of god's plan...I don't think that way anymore. I agonized about drinking. Headaches, stomachaches...I was told, I could drink by some, couldn't drink by others, and asked why I wanted to by more others. I couldn't decide for myself. I felt like I was in an impossible bind-the majority of the time. It was a constant up and down for years.

I am out now, and I LOVE it. I have NO intentions on going back. I am very depressed today, I think about what happened to me and I become filled with anger and resentment. The fear of hell comes and goes. Logically, christianity makes no sense but I am surrounded by it (at least on facebook). I'm rebuilding my framework and most of the time it's fun-at other times I am insecure and filled with anxiety. I see how imperfect and ambiguous life really is for all of us. The greatest achievement I now feel for everyone and anyone is to unconditionally love YOURSELF and love others. Try to see how complex life really is and that you don't have to have all the answers. I'm slowly treading through all of this. I'm learning to be human and learning how to let others be human too.

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