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Why Am I The One That's Tainted?

By MotherJustice ~

I've been visiting this site for awhile. I was refereed to it by a friend after seeing the "Good Without God" book on the news. I had always felt like the odd ball in my community because even though they all had different beliefs, just about everyone that I knew was religious. And don't even imply that you doubt that god exists or you were an automatic devil worshiper. I constantly tried to avoid religious conversations with people that were not close trusted friends. Being that I started feeling this way before I was even in high school made it harder. I remember that my conformation that there wasn't really a god didn't come from study of text, but the study of the so-called believers behavior.

I remember one girl especially who, once she found out that I was sexually active, made it her mission to tell me that I was a slut and not following god's plan to wait for Mr. Right and get married. I laughed at her though I was angry that she called me a slut. Sometime later I was informed by a mutual friend of this girl and myself, that she had "lost her flower". I couldn't wait to find her and welcome her to the slutty slope to hell. That was just one of my encounters with fundies preaching one thing and acting on another. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness my whole life and already started doubting at the tender age of 10. The Kingdom Hall is where most of my study took place. I would listen to sermons, or what they call talks, about living double lives from elders in my church (they hate it when you call it church somehow this makes them different from the other religions out there). They were constantly on my case about this all though I thought I was always very clear about who I was.

At one point a girl from my school was given one of their books and didn't want it, so she asked me what to do with it. I put it where it belonged, in the garbage. That following Tuesday I was called into another private meeting after the service with my mother that night. Somehow they found out that I threw their precious book of misinformation in the trash. They wanted to pull me back into the flock. I was asked if I threw the book away. I didn't lie to them, I truthfully told them that I did with a short "yep". They started to try to tell me why it was wrong when I informed them that I didn't care. I can't recall my exact words because of the reaction I got. They all slammed their buy bulls shut and quickly got up from the table. One of them went so far as to say that I was smelling myself. Whatever that meant.

To this day I never understood why they got so mad that I disagreed. I didn't make an argument, I simply disagreed. Everyone of those elders that was in that room with me with the exception of one had kids that I went to school with and was watching living these double lives everyday. Yet I was the project because I was honest about my disgust with "the truth". Throughout my teens I became increasingly angry and depressed. I became what you would call goth/emo. My whole world was dark and I hated everything and everyone. I thought of suicide but I wanted to take everyone with me just to prove to them there was no god. I didn't of course because I had hope that once I got away from the fundies my life would be better.

In a lot of ways it was, but the damage to my psyche was done. I did everything under the sun just because I could. I threw my life away for awhile just trying to be the person I was always told not to be. I won't discuss what finally woke me up to become a useful person again because that is a can of worms I don't want to open, but I was sent into a tailspin about religion. I started to talk to the people who came to the door, I talked to religious people at work. It got really bad. Then one day a lady asked why I didn't just pray on it and get an answer. When I tried to explain that I didn't want to be one of those people who only prays when in crisis she said some weird Jedi mind-trick thing about god wants me to call on him when I need him. It made me feel that she hadn't either heard what I said or didn't understand where I was coming from. Any who, on another occasion some guy came to my door talking about his faith. I tried to be nice and explain that I wasn't really interested, the guy leaves but he put this pamphlet under my door after I had closed it. I picked it up and read it. The "information" that was in it made me furious. I hunted him down and let him and his friend/brother have it! I totally lost my temper. I screamed at this guy about how he raped my home and that everything in that paper that he forced in my home was a lie and everything he believed was a lie. I must have really got the other guy's goat because he started screaming a prayer at me. The guy I came after tried to break us up so I went home.

I just felt so bullied, just like in high school. Even though I don't believe in god which in turn would mean I don't believe in the devil either, I'm still a worshiper of him and being willed to do his bidding. I'm just tired of all the bull. And what's worse is that I feel like I'm a magnet for these people. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not the only person that they harass, but sometimes I feel like they follow me. I've been come at by Mormons, Muslims, Catholics, Protestants, Baptists, and the Jehovah's Witnesses won't give up! I use to be one of them (kinda) so I know how they operate and I tell them not to come back according to their own rules. They're like telemarketers, they're suppose to have a "do not return" list that you can request to be put on. They aren't suppose to come back for at least 6 months. If I know my lease is going to be a year I tell them don't come back in 6 months I'll still be there and still not interested, but they don't seem to listen.

I now have 2 children that I'm trying to protect from my own family. Because of events in my life I have had to move back "home". My family sees this as a chance to get their hooks into my young kids and "fix" them since they failed with me. I guess I came here because I need to know if there are support groups for parents like me who are surrounded by fundies trying to get at my kids? The rant just made me feel better, but I need help.


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