12/21/2010 | Share this article:By EChamberlainMD, San Diego ~
Man, it must suck to be Jesus at Christmas Time, what with having your birthday on the same day as Christmas. I knew of someone who did and only got about half as much stuff as the rest of us.
Image by giopuo via FlickrSeems to me, if I was god and perfect-- or at least if I was god and not perfect-- I'd have made my birthday in the Spring or Summertime, not at the busiest time of the year when all my friends and family are so distracted with stuff like parking space and wrapping paper. I woulda, at least for the American version, come down to earth in March, April, June, or August (hell, I got here in the middle of May and I'm not even god), 'cause over here we got nothing going on then in the way of competing federal holidays, except Easter and Father's Day, but they're always on a Sunday anyway. Really, if god so verily, verily cared about us, wouldn't he have thought ahead and given us another 3-day weekend during those months? Just more evidence that god is as artificial as that plastic tree and ornaments I got.
Still, if you're as sympathetic as I am about all this, I've started a Secret Santa list of things we can all get jesus for his birthday-- or Christmas-- or whatever it is. Now, it's not easy to make this list for a man who has everything. But I have noticed some things he seems to lack--
A Bible Concordance: So he can see that that some of the passages he taught or inspired his disciples to teach aren't there and don't say that.
A Facebook Page: So he can friend and keep track of his twelve disciples, because he listed them wrong in the lists in his book.
A Copy Of "Twas The Night Before Christmas": Just to hint that, hmmm, it coulda been better to stick with eight instead of twelve tiny disciples and give them rhythmic, rhyming names to help keep them straight-- Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen. And I woulda liked the idea of a "Gospel According To Cupid."
A Copy Of The DVD "The Wizard Of Oz": Happier ending, similar fantasy, really.
A Twitter Account: So he can tweet us if he does anything he thinks we'd notice. And he can update us on what he's been doing for the last 2000 years. And the zillions of years before Zero-Zero A.D. (I'm really not interested, though, in what he says he's gonna do in the next zillion-zillion years, seeing that his word's not that good anyway.)
A Noah's Ark Playset: So we can see if he drowns all his toys as a little boy, just like dad.
Clothing And Accessories: A WWJD t-shirt. Or wrist band. Or headband.
Cookies And Milk: Now that's a celebration, Santa Claus. But that little plain wafer and low octane grape juice? Seriously?
A Red Letter Bible: So he can watch what he says. 'Cause, well, a bunch of it has me wondering whether a decent, honest man really said it.
A DayPlanner: So he can see he's late.
Music: Pretty much anything that'll drown out that stuff in his head. (Except, no, nothing by Nine Inch Nails or Judas Priest. Be sensitive, dude.)
Awww, wait-- I just realized-- Jesus gets Hanukkah AND Christmas. The rest of us don't.
So, never mind then.
Oh, well, it doesn't look like I'm getting enough extra money this Christmas anyway. But it's the thought that counts, right? ("Whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart"-- spoken like a true monk that crawled out of the caves of Qu'mram and across the wilderness of the mideast to tell the rest of us normal people what we should think about god-- but that's another story.)
But..... If you get any extra money at Christmas, do you wanna go all in with me and get him a really nice suit for Good Friday?
Disclaimer: Although my thoughtfulness toward Jesus here could be considered irreverent by some, I want to make sure you understand that I do have a reverence for life and I would say the same things about, say, the gods Zeus, Thor, the Egyptian gods, the Aztec or Mayan gods, and others if we celebrated their birthdays right in the middle of Christmas. (And you can tell that I do maintain that decorum of reverence for life by the fact that I didn't spoof Mooohamed's god.)