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ADAM'S THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY

A screenplay based on the Bible and written by Ken Browning ~  

FADE IN:
EXT - BACKYARD PATIO - EVENING

ADAM, a sullen 13-year-old sits at a patio table surfing on a brand new iPhone. His father, MR. GOOD isacross from him eating a piece of birthday cake while now and then clicking on a laptop.

FATHER
Adam, you know you can’t break my rules.

ADAM
I know but like, he really, really wanted to see them.

FATHER
I should have known not to invite that kid.

ADAM
All we did was look at your Playboys!

FATHER
How many times do I have to tell you, 

ADAM                      FATHER
Don’t break my rules!      Don’t break my rules!

FATHER (CONT’D)
Young man what you did wasn’t perfect and now that you’ve reached the age of accountability you have free will. Think about that.

ADAM
Yeah. So I used my free will.

FATHER
Just like I was saying. You missed the mark here son. And since I’m perfect and all, I can’t hang with you any more.

Mr. Good sends a jokey smile at his son and clicks dramatically on a computer key.

FATHER (CONT’D)
Now I’m negotiating!

He rotates the laptop around so Adam can see a one-way reservation on Priceline.

FATHER (CONT’D)
Swoosh. I’m off to Maui.

He does a little hula move as he exits the Internet and powers down the computer. Adam looks at the open patio french doors then back at his dad.

FATHER (CONT’D)
Oh, and of course, I can’t let you stay in the house anymore. Now that you’re broken I have to protect my stuff.

ADAM
You’re legally responsible for me.

FATHER
You’ve got a bad attitude Adam.

ADAM
Why can’t you be like other dads?

FATHER
I’m trying to dialog here. Solve a problem. You know, I get really crappy service at KFC. I’m sure they could use a young man who likes to think for himself. And then after you die-

ADAM
I’m thirteen.

Adam stands up.

FATHER
Sit down.

Adam thinks for a moment then sits down.

FATHER (CONT’D)
It’s a tough world out there. Just thinking ahead. So after you die I have to send you someplace where I’m not and since all the good stuff is made for me, the place I send you will kinda suck. In fact it’ll be really hot.

ADAM
You sending me to Grandma’s?

FATHER
No, this place is a lot hotter than Palmdale. Think crispy bacon.

ADAM
You’re gonna put me in a big frying pan.

FATHER
Like you don’t deserve it?

ADAM
Dad, you’re still going to anger group, right?

FATHER
It doesn’t really matter. I’ve got a big plan to get us back to the way things were before you went and screwed everything up.

Adam sets his iPhone down and turns sideways leaning into the back of the chair.

ADAM
Dad, please. Stop.

FATHER
So what I’m thinking is that after four thousand years or so I’ll have another son. I’ll call him Adam the Second.

Adam stifles a tear with the back of his hand.

FATHER (CONT’D)
Adam, why do you always fight me? All of this is for you. He’s going to be descended from you and since he’ll also be my son you and I will be doing it together.

ADAM
You should call him, YourGigaGrandsonMySon.

FATHER
No. Here’s where it all starts to make sense. Because he’ll also be me.

ADAM
But
(a beat)
Never mind.

FATHER
He’ll walk around doing good and helping people.

ADAM
It’s getting late. I have homework.

FATHER
Heh. I had a dream about him last night. It was so awesome. He-

ADAM
YourGigaGrandsonMySonMe.

FATHER
Don’t tempt me, Adam. He was riding this big white horse swooping down from the sky--
drenched in blood-- firing a sword out of his mouth at all the bad guys! And I was there too. Making
earthquakes, Tsunamis, raining  fire. Destroyed just about every thing.

ADAM                                                           FATHER
It’s not like they don’t deserve it.                It’s not like they don’t deserve it.


FATHER (CONT’D)
Anyway, back at my plan. He’ll do the usual stuff like defend the poor, raise the dead, heal-


Adam turns directly back to face his father.

ADAM
Dad. Listen to yourself. Please. In your dreams you’re like, creating mass destruction. And you want to kick me out of the fucking house on my fucking birthday!

FATHER
You know, I don’t have to be nice but unlike you I choose to be civil. And I choose to stay on topic so here’s the set up: After awhile of him doing all this good stuff people will naturally get really, really pissed and they’ll want to kill him. I’m thinking here some totally bloody torture like that Mel Gibson film. Because if the agony is gruesome enough then the punishment will fit the crime, and I can forgive you, and when I look at you I’ll see my other son so you’ll be perfect, and we can all get back together. And best of all, because it’s me it’ll all be over in a weekend. Tada. See? All I ask is for you to have a little faith.

Adam stands up as a guy in uniform comes through the side gate.

SECURITY GUY
Mr. Good? I’m from Tarver Security. You requested an armed guard.

As Mr. Good turns to greet the SECURITY GUY, Adam sidesteps hoping to reach the french doors. But Mr. Good lunges out, grabs and drags him forcefully to the guard.

FATHER
Yes. I want you to keep everyone off my property. You can start with him.

Struggling frantically, Adam looks over his shoulder.

ADAM
MOM! DAD’S OFF HIS MEDS AGAIN!

FATHER
Why you little-

ADAM
MOM!
FADE OUT.





Ken Browning was born while his parents were attending a pentecostal bible college. He was raised in the Foursquare denomination as a preacher's kid.

Browning followed in his parent's footsteps, earning a Bachelor of Theology, a B.A. in Political Science, and a M.A. in Religion.

Browning left the ministry and Christianity at the age of 31. He attributes his education as the culprit.

Browning, now 60, considers himself, "So very fortunate to have gotten free from that awful mishmash."


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