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I am not happy submitting to slavery anymore

By S --

I had a really positive experience growing up as a Christian. I was never forced, pressured, or even guilted by my parents, who seemed pretty traumatized by their own Christian upbringings. I went to church with my Grandmother, who was truly a wonderful and spiritual person.
Happy SlaveImage by Ben Cooper via Flickr
I looked up at her and saw what a wonderful person she was, and her belief in God and light naturally rubbed off on me. Later on she died, and our church got a new pastor eventually, and I stopped going. I have never found a church since that spoke to me quite the way my childhood one did.

My church never really condemned Gays, or imposed ridiculous judgments, or focused on evolution or anything controversial (I don't think anyone cared really, we weren't focused on judgment). This is why it is so hard for me now, to give up this religion that I now realize is bad for me personally.

For years I saw lots of problems in other churches, and I simply decided I wanted none of this crazy judgmental Christian stuff in my own relationship with God and Jesus. I still called myself a Christian, but I knew other churches would not have agreed. I honesty did feel a very special relationship with God. To this day I do think there is something bigger than me alive and in this world, that I don't understand.

In the last few years I have realized something in my life needs to change; I feel very frustrated in my own life.

A couple days ago I realized that my own ideas about Christianity have hindered my life. In Christianity, there is a sort of promise of reward for hard work and devotion. This sort of "heavenly reward" penetrated all areas of my life and culture. An American dream, that if we work hard at life, and are good people, we will be happy and our dreams (if we only work at them!) will come true. This mentality has lead me to neglect my own desires, and instead focus on work, with the hope of eventual gratification. I have sacrificed a lot in my life to do what I thought would eventually lead to a great life. I did this to the point of neglecting my own needs as a person, my soul is badly hurt, all for the hope that one day I will be happy. This is all crap, because, I can be happy now.

When I look at it, this sort of delayed gratification mentality is great for the purpose of enslavement. This is the perfect thing for people to believe for them to be perfectly voluntarily enslaved. "I will work hard, with no expectation for reward, and when I die, if I am good, I will go to heaven, or maybe even Jesus will come back suddenly and then reward my sacrifice." It helped me put off confronting my real problems. Even the belief that we should be like him, Jesus, sacrificing ourselves. Often this is laced with a guilt about who we are, we HAVE SINNED, it is proclaimed. Yes, if you wish to control a group of people, just get them to believe in this mentality.

I am not happy submitting to slavery anymore. I want to live for myself. I want to enjoy my day. I want to live for today, and not feel incredibly sad when I die, realizing I wasted my life sacrificing for a tomorrow I never reached. I can no longer care if there is a heaven, and I have to say good bye to Christianity.

This is hard for me because it feel so sentimental. Like an old lamp you grew up with in your bedroom. You look at it everyday, and it's hard to get rid of. I was comfortable being a Christian, if gave me a good feeling, and I won't say Christianity is evil. It's just not what is good for me, and I have a right to chose these things for myself. It's a little scary saying goodbye, but what's happening now feels good. I'm excited about the future.

I am not a C!
I am not a C-H!
I am not a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N Anymore!


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