I come and go on this site. It's been a great healing experience. Sometimes I have to just go off and think about all the stuff the articles have brought to mind. I have to sort through them, bring up the memories, analize the questions and thoughts that have been brought up.
Image by Eddi 07 via FlickrI'm glad that I've found this place. I've grown alot in my unbelief. There are so many people, with so many strengths. There stories are so much like my own. Many people have the knowledge about the so called truth of the bible, that I never would have had the patience to research myself. I love when the "trolls" come on board, and the debates that go on back and forth, until the "troll" slinks away, tail between their legs. The humor is great. Laughing at the antics of who we used to be is quite healing also.
I was so young when I was brainwashed, totally confused as to who I was, and struggling with low self esteem and depression. I thought born againism was the truth, because it made me feel horrible, and I was used to feeling like that! Yes, god loves us alright. For the twenty years I was in religion, it did nothing but keep me in the pit that I was in when I started out. It kept the self-hatred going, the feeling that I was never going to be good enough. I felt like church was nothing but going back to high school with all the cliques, and the I'm better than you, you can't sit at my table. I actually was at a women's retreat, where women were saving seats for each other! They didn't want to sit next to a "loser". And that what I felt like for twenty years. A loser. I was never good enough to speak at one of the women's breakfasts. Baptists love their food! Why? Not that I wanted to, I just wanted to be asked. Why wasn't I asked? I wasn't "spiritual" enough. What does that mean? I wasn't smart enough, popular enough, good enough, bible educated enough, didn't make enough money, wasn't socially up there with the other spiritual women? I never knew. I think I had an "attitude". I thought too much. I had too many questions. I was divorced. I didn't read from the script. Didn't do my share of ass kissing. I don't know. And I was to believe that this was the best of god. This was a picture of god's love, this social ladder of the church, this place of queen bees and cliques. Ah, I can see the thoughts of the born-againers now, but, we aren't to judge god by what we see in the people at church. They are imperfect, sinners like we all are.For the twenty years I was in religion, it did nothing but keep me in the pit that I was in when I started out. It kept the self-hatred going, the feeling that I was never going to be good enough. But, if they are god's chosen, and in his image, and following and loving him, and being good born-agains, shouldn't we have been nicer to each other? I heard over and over: "Christians are the only people who shoot their wounded". Wow, god's finest. Don't look behind the curtain, ignore what you see. It's not really supposed to be like that. Continue to let these people hurt you and destroy your self esteem.
I wasn't good enough because I was divorced, uneducated, wrong side of town, wrong clothes, too many questions, but stick around. God loves you. Wow, who needs enemies?
I read the Christian trolls telling us over and over to submit to god and his teachings, his fear, his truth. It didn't make us better people, we decided to do that ourselves. I don't need religion. I don't need a belief in god. I'm just not a follower. Am I a loser and unspiritual because I just was different? A thinker? I'm going to hell because I think? Because I don't need group think? I'm tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of a group of people telling me who I'm supposed to be and what to think. I'm tired of not being invited to sit at the table. I'm tired of feeling different.
I come here, and sometimes that thinking continues over. Am I not good enough? Smart enough? Popular enough? Will I be accepted here, or am I really a loser? This is what religion does to you. I should have worked this out a long time ago. I should be twenty years through this. But, like an addict, I kind of got stuck in a thought pattern, and now I have to work through it. I wasted twenty years. Religion forced me to remain stuck in a negative thought process. Yes it did, all you bornagainers. And this god did nothing to get me out of it. I had to do it myself. True healing is finally happening, but without god.