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Love Jesus - Hate Christianity

By holy hermit --

Sometimes people leave behind conventional Christianity to move into something deeper. My profound discontent with faith started after twenty-five years of failure - God hadn't failed me, my experience of 'Him' was always good but I was weary of myself and my inability to ever do anything I could really be proud of. So many high-minded and excellent ambitions as a young woman and so little to show for them despite the constant renewed efforts of commitment to this church program or that project.

The problem for me was that just giving up believing just wasn't an option, anymore than giving up breathing is for a person who is tired of life. I don't know what to say regarding what happened to change things because I know that this kind of testimony can provoke scathing anger but basically I found God in a deeper and more real way.

There were many, many positive changes but the experience was unbelievably lonely and still is in many ways. I grew and flourished in just about every area of life, so did my two lads. It also seemed to me that God lead me through a kind of education program and one-by-one I surrendered classical Christian doctrines. Not long ago I was a theology student and argued vociferously (though for the most part with great humour with my lecturers). One used to refer to me mockingly as 'the deist'. I remember arguing over the Trinity and the lecturer finally rounding on me with 'Yes, but that wouldn't be Christianity!' I wasn't worried about the future or promulgation of Christianity - I was only concerned with the Truth.

The problem for me was that just giving up believing just wasn't an option, anymore than giving up breathing is for a person who is tired of life. I feel that I would love to know more about early Christianity - if only we could separate the wheat from the chaff in its documentation. I know a lot of the authors and voices in this area but I suspect that a more rigorous, agenda-free critical analysis is still called for. I think that there is faith at the heart of Judaism which does not require investment in an after-life but this life, that is open to all, that demands the highest and delivers the best and is genuinely enriching and empowering. It doesn't require you to switch off the mind but to never stop exploring, questioning and reasoning.

Anyway - this is me and my story. If it means anything to anyone it would be interesting to hear.


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