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An Ex-Mormon's Tale

sent in by Daniel

I was born into a Utah Mormon family, a descendant of pioneers and Saints who had been without exception faithful in their callings. I spent part of my childhood in Central Utah and the remainder in Southern Idaho, always in the loving embrace of the Church. While still an infant I was already being primed with basic Mormon doctrine. I was a shining star in Primary, a golden boy with golden hair shimmering in the light of the gospel and bright blue eyes beaming the joy of being blessed to be born in the heart of the true church. “A Mormon boy, a Mormon boy, I am a Mormon boy - A rough and rugged sort of chap; an honest Mormon boy!” To this day I can still sing my primary songs word for word. Ah, the many times this boy returned home with an adhesive star upon his forehead!

I recall very vividly my first major infraction of Church protocol. I was seven years old and I was being edified with a Primary lesson on Noah’s Ark. The day before, our family had visited the zoo in Salt Lake City, and it seemed unlikely in my tiny mind’s estimation that anyone might build a sea-going vessel large enough to house all of the animals at the zoo let alone all the animals in the world. Also, I had been impressed with the huge amounts of forage that the elephants were consuming at the zoo, and the logistical problem of feeding every kind of animal in the world seemed apparent to me. I don’t recall verbatim the exchange between wise teacher and enquiring student but it went something like this:

“But how did Noah get all of the animals into the ark?”

“God did it, made ‘em come two by two…”

“But how did Noah get animals that lived far away across the ocean, like kangaroos?”

“God did it…commanded all the animals…and they followed God’s commandment.”

(Do you think there might be two flies buzzing around God’s sandwich as a reward for being obedient? Celestial flies enjoying the blessings of the righteous? But I digress!)

(Click Here to read more)


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