Burst Hemorrhoid Causes Religious Conflicts in Jerusalem

by Elroy Willis

JERUSALEM (EAP) -- A burst hemorrhoid caused trouble at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher this week when a man who wanted to be cleansed of his anal affliction rubbed his naked bottom a little too vigorously on a slab of rock that Jesus is believed by some to have been laid and resurrected on.

Spawned by reports of believers in Portugal being healed by exposing their bare behinds to the statue of a local saint, hemorrhoid-suffering Christians in Jerusalem have been flocking to the tombs of Jesus to rub their bums on various rocks, hoping to be cured like the people in Portugal.

Others, like 35-year-old Shem Kalim, a Muslim convert to Christianity, traveled to Jerusalem from England after hearing the voice of Jesus one day during an especially painful episode of constipation which caused his hemorrhoids to flare up.

"I tried praying to Allah to cure my problem, but He didn't seem to be listening to me. They actually got worse the more I prayed to Allah about them. I heard about the people in Portugal being healed by Jesus, so I decided to cry out to Jesus instead of Allah one day while I was straining on the toilet, and a small quiet voice which was booming at the same time said to me:

"GO TO MY TOMB IN JERUSALEM AND BE HEALED."

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